97 things NOT to do at Hogwarts.

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”.
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”.
4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
9. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.
16. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.
20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not “Rocky Horror.”
21. It is exceptionally tasteless to serenade Professor Lupin with “Moon River”.
22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.
25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.
26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. I am not being repressed.
35. Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
39. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”
49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. I will not send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
52. “Potter 6, Voldemort 0”, is not a valid T-shirt slogan
53. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
54. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him “my little pony.”
55. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
56. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!
57. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.”
58. I will not teach the first-years to sing “A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob On The End”.
59. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
60. I am not allowed to shave Mrs. Norris.
61. I am not allowed to sing “Holding Out For A Hero” whenever Harry Potter enters the room.
62. I am not allowed to change the password to the Hufflepuff common room and laugh when they cry because they cant get in.
63. I am not allowed to have sexual relations with Harry Potter under his invisibility cloak because all though people cant see us, they can still hear us
64. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!”
65. Stealing Draco’s underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter’s underwear instead).
66. Recording a remix of “it’s a hardknock life” using the house-elfs as vocal backing is not funny!
67. I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins Merry and Pippin.
68. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron Frodo and Sam.
69. It probably isnt smart to call Draco Legolas, either.
70. Putting fake spiders around Rons bed isnt funny. Especially when he trys to jump out of the window.
71. Telling Draco Malfoy to make like a ferret and bounce is not a good idea.
72. I will not change the Gryffindor password to “Draco Malfoy is a sexy beast”
73. It probably isnt smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.
74. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I shall not point at the dark mark and shout “to the bat mobile, Robin”
77. Telling Umbridge cardigans are sooooo 2005 will get you in trouble.
78. “accidentally” dropping polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegoods hair in Snape’s drink is a very unhealthy hobby.
79. Eating doxies will not make you high.
80. no matter how much fun it is I will not start a food fight in the great hall.
81. i will not make any jokes about lupin and his “time of the month”
82. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school it will just end badly.
83. As hot as Cedric Diggory is, i will try to bring back his ghost.
84.No matter what, when in a life or death situation with Voldermort, don’t say, “Get away from me Micheal Jackson!”
85. When in that situation, don’t say, “What? You angry cause you lost your nose on stage?”, either.
86. DO NOT tell Cho to drop the accent and go back to China.
87. I must not give Luna Lovegood a HP book and ask her to read it upside down to me.
88. I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.
89. When making a sleeping potion, I musn’t sing, “I wanna be sedated”.
90. I’ll try my hardest not to feel Draco’s hair to see how greasy it is.
91. I can’t make a yaoi story between Harry and Draco, and make copies for them to read.
92. I can’t make them question their sexuality by saying, “Are you two dating?”
93.Always remember not to call Lucious Malfoy “that dude from The Patriot”
94. I have to contain myself and not snatch away Mr.Malfoy’s cane and then try to fence him with it.
95.I must try not to burst out in a fit of giggles whenever someone gasps at the mention of Voldermort.
96.I could try and offer Pansy an Extreme Makeover, but it has yet to be decided.
97. I’ll never slip a little love note from Draco to Pansy when she’s not looking.

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